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Funeral Arrangements in Stressful Situations

Jennings Undertaker Dave Cannon has a funeral crisis on his hands.  Anita Price is very upset.  Bad enough losing her dear relative, and having to arrange her Uncle Pat’s funeral – Anita is Pat’s Executor, and the person legally entitled to organise his funeral. Pat died suddenly, aged only 46.  But Anita’s stress is all the worse because of difficult family dynamics.

Anita needs Dave’s help to have the Funeral Mass and the Cremation very quickly, but yet she needs a lovely service – music, flowers – a meaningful tribute for the uncle who had looked after Anita as a child, round the corner here in East Wall.

But Dave cannot guarantee funeral dates or times for Anita because in the case of sudden death at home, the Coroner’s Office dictates that a Post Mortem must take place. Until the deceased has been released from the Coroner’s office into the care of Jennings, Dave, as Funeral Director, would not have booked a Cremation, or a funeral church service until Pat was actually in the care of the Undertaker. As it happened, Anita’s uncle was officially released to Jennings in the early afternoon, and Dave was able to arrange the funeral to suit the family. But do take note of the end of this article, where we outline how Funeral times can be affected by Post-Mortems and other matters.

Meaningful Funeral Elements in Difficult Circumstances

In this event, Anita was delighted at how Dave was able to pull everything together so quickly – the church, the funeral flowers, the cremation booking, the mourning cars. Only now Anita has a decision to make.

Because of the family’s need to move so quickly, a closed coffin Reposal is advisable. In Pat’s case, there will not be time for the kind of intensive embalming process often needed after a Post Mortem.

After a Post Mortem – Options and Challenges

Clive from the Embalming Dept of Jennings Funeral Directors spoke to Anita about her options – she could delay the funeral by one day and Clive would work intensively on Pat so that Anita could view him in an open coffin.
Or, she could proceed with the funeral on the Tuesday as planned, and pay tribute to her Uncle in a closed coffin.  Anita chose to proceed with the funeral early. ‘I wish we could take our time, have a chance to catch our breath, like when my Ma died, and Jennings brought her home so we could have her Reposing time in her own place.

But Anita needs this funeral arranged quickly – this matters deeply because she is fearful some elements of her family might well disrupt the reposing time and cause distress all round.
But on the day of the funeral itself, Anita arrives directly around at Jennings in Amiens Street very early.

This was well before she was due to be picked up in the mourning car, and brought to the Funeral Home – Jennings had helped her arrange the planned sequence – the assembled people would say a few prayers – one of the nuns from the local convent would lead the prayers – Sister Maria was a friend of the deceased. That gathering here at the funeral home would mainly consist of family members and friends of the deceased who were supportive and calm -then the funeral cortege would make it’s way to Our Lady of Lourdes Church in nearby Sean McDermott St – the Mass wasn’t until 11.30 because the priest had another funeral but that suited Anita.

Open Coffin or Closed Coffin

But it wasn’t even 9 o’clock and Anita was distraught.  Dave made tea for her, took her to a quiet office.

‘I’m devastated’ said Anita. ‘I need to see my Uncle Pat. I know I chose the closed coffin, to hurry things up, but I’m just so upset with that decision.’

Dave Cannon spoke gently, ‘Don’t be hard on yourself. You made that decision because of pressure – for fear of trouble breaking out.’

Anita agreed that she had enough trauma going on without the annoyance of having to go to the Church so soon just in case troublesome family members caused disruption.

‘Let me see if we can sort something out.’  Dave organised a lift for Anita back around to her house so that she could have a bit of time to herself, and get ready for when the Chauffeur arrived to collect her and her daughters Chloe and Kim.

‘I’ll have some news for you when you get back.’

Anita was first out of the mourning car when it arrived back. Dave discreetly drew Anita aside.
‘I have a suggestion that might help.’ Dave offered to go in to the Reposing Chapel and open Pat’s coffin on his own, come out and report to Anita. ‘That means you’ll have a clear picture when you make a decision’. The problem as Dave had outlined to her was that if Anita chose to have the coffin open, she might be deeply traumatised if her dear beloved uncle was not as she remembered him.
‘Let me see how the land lies’ Dave said.
‘Oh God, that’d be great.’  The Funeral Director can see the relief in the woman’s face.  Dave was back out to Anita within minutes.

‘Ok, so, Anita, Pat has bruising on one side of his head, around his temple, not far from his eye to be honest. The bruise is quite dark, and that might be upsetting. But overall, I would say your Uncle looks very peaceful.’
Dave was amazed himself – the Embalmer had done a great job considering the Post Mortem and no time for intensive embalming.  ‘I think you should go in Anita – and the suit you bought for him to be laid out in – the clothes look well.’
Dave was careful not to say much more.  ‘I didn’t know Anita’s uncle – so I’m hardly qualified to know if his appearance has changed. I don’t want to send Anita in there with unreal expectations.’

Funeral Proceeding with Care

Dave knew Pat’s niece was vulnerable as it is.  Now, with her two teenage daughters, Anita proceeded towards the coffin – shaky but confident too because she’d woken up knowing she needed to see Pat.  Dave left the family alone, and when Anita came out, she was crying, but with a huge sense of relief.  The Jennings Undertaker could see the ease in her face as though some burden had lifted.
And later, as often happens in a family during times of grief, Dave could see some form of family healing take place.  One quiet man, content to stay in the background. Then Dave noticed he shyly approached Anita. Days later, Anita calls in with a Thank You card for the team at Jennings of Amiens St. Tells him that the music at the Church was just what her Uncle would have loved.
But also that her brother Tom had come from London; they hadn’t spoken for years, and that she nearly collapsed when he was there to support her, and to say sorry for the long absence.

Small Solace in Grief

‘It’s never going to be the Waltons, but do you know what? On the day of the Funeral, my Chloe said it was like as if Uncle Pat was sorting us all out from some place not far away, not yet anyway.’ Anita told Dave that she knew exactly what Chloe meant. ‘I could feel myself getting strength from my departed uncle – all through the funeral arrangements, coming around her to Jennings, the family issues, the coffin decisions.’ Dave hears this a lot in his job as Undertaker – how families draw courage from somewhere, so that they can proceed with grace in making the funeral arrangements while in throes of loss and trauma.

Issues to Bear in Mind after Sudden Bereavement

Dave pointed out a few facts to be aware of in cases like Anita’s.

• In the case of a Post Mortem, the time it can take varies, and can be very unpredictable.
• The Undertaker will never book the Cremation or have a Grave opened until the remains of the deceased person has been released into the care of the Funeral Director.
• In Anita’s case, it worked out that when Pat’s body was released, there was still availability at the Crematorium for the next day.
• In the old days, it was almost taken for granted that a priest would come to say prayers over the deceased at the Funeral Home before the Removal. That is no longer the case because of clerical shortages in staff. Sister Maria presided over prayers at the Funeral Home – but that was pre-arranged by the family. Jennings will always facilitate prayers – and the reposing chapels are perfect for that, but bear in mind the family must arrange the priest, nun, or lay-person.
• Also, Anita didn’t require a Newspaper Notice, so there were no deadline issues.

Names and areas have been changed.

>> Part 2: A Life in the Day of a Dublin Funeral Director